We all were created by God for a specific purpose. As I’ve drawn closer to God and prayed over various areas and circumstances in my life, He has always been faithful to reveal specific answers to my prayers, but always in His perfect timing. I learned how I was to quit working and be a stay at home mom to our sons specifically so I could raise them to be the men of God that they were intended to be. When we struggled with financing our new home, I was promised that our home would be a blessing to others, where we would share God with others. When we were deciding upon the question of homeschooling, the two previous promises came together again - reminding me, God’s timing is indeed perfect and only with those promises fulfilled could we make that faithful step of homeschooling.
So now, I am once again at God’s mercy with yet another trial and staring fear in the face, questioning every move I make, afraid to be out of the will of God - not sure if I’m doing the right thing; is our home and my health at risk by allowing anxiety and depression to overpower me. It can be a lonely place, when a Believer struggles with such doubts - afraid to share them with others, because you don’t want to discourage others - especially when you’ve always been the strong encourager and prayer warrior for everyone else. Not wanting to answer when asked how you are, because you don’t want to lie and you don’t want to tell the truth ~ that you cry yourself to sleep most nights and while awake are consumed with fear and anxiety during the day.
I know I tend to share a lot and this has made me fearful of writing. I’m either sharing too much or I’m sharing enough to let others know they aren’t alone. So I’ve held back writing about this time I’m going through - afraid of sharing too much, yet needing to get off my chest what has paralyzed me for far too long.
Like all good parents, my parents worry about me, even as a wife/mom at age 39, that hasn’t stopped their worry - so much that I don’t dare tell them what all I’m dealing with. My husband is in Afghanistan and definitely has too much to be concerned about, let alone worry about all that his wife is struggling with back home. I wish I could say I have friends to confide in, but honestly, they are too busy with their own lives to get involved with me and most of them assume I’m this Super Woman who can do it all, so when I mention what’s going on, it’s easily brushed aside as not that big of a deal. That’s why it’s so wonderful to have a Heavenly Father that I can lay my burdens down to, a God that I can cry out to; I know that I can boldly go to His throne of grace and receive His never ending love and mercy, peace, strength and comfort.
I know the enemy wants nothing more than to keep me gripped in this fear and panic, but that’s the key - I know that’s where he wants me, so I’m not going to stay there - I choose Life.
“Now listen! Today I am giving you a choice between life and death, between prosperity and disaster. 16 For I command you this day to love the Lord your God and to keep his commands, decrees, and regulations by walking in his ways. If you do this, you will live and multiply, and the Lord your God will bless you and the land you are about to enter and occupy. (Deuteronomy 30:15-16 NLT)
Jesus already broke those chains of bondage for me when I accepted Him as my Lord and Savior, we’ve been given complete authority over the devil, so when he begins whispering his lies and doubts we have to lean on the Word of God more than ever, because it's by His strength and His might we are more than conquerors!
So I’m taking hold of the promises that God has given me, and I’m claiming even more. God’s promises haven’t changed, He’s given me my own and He’s given all His children the same inheritance, ‘For I know the plans I have for you, plans for a GOOD and NOT for disaster, plans to give you HOPE and a FUTURE’. My purpose hasn’t changed, I might have run into some road blocks and made some mistakes along the way, but God’s mercy is freely given to the repentant heart.
God knows the trials I’m going through and I know that only the work of a supernatural miracle will resolve my problems - I have to trust in God, He made those promises to me and I can’t stop believing in them just because of what I’m going through - that’s what faith is all about. I’ve learned a lot through this and I’m still learning, but I believe the key that God wanted to show me was; no matter what happens, this world is temporary, we are but vapors in the wind and only one thing remains - God’s love; so there’s nothing I can ever fear in this life when the Creator of the Universe knows me, loves me, and has great plans for me!
For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Eternal, “plans for peace, not evil, to give you a future and hope—never forget that. 12 At that time, you will call out for Me, and I will hear. You will pray, and I will listen. 13 You will look for Me intently, and you will find Me. 14 Yes, I will be found by you,” says the Eternal, “and I will restore your fortunes and gather you from all the nations where you’ve been scattered—all the places where I have driven you. I will bring you back to the land that is your rightful home.” (Jeremiah 29:11-14 VOICE)