This is very painful and personal for me and it’s something I know a few of my
fellow Sisters in Christ struggle with, so please bear with me while I share
some back story before I get to ‘the point’ of this particular post.
Five years ago when my husband started contracting – then it
was in Iraq, I had decided to get serious about my health, so I changed my
eating habits and woke up at 4am on work days just so I could exercise. We had
a home gym in our garage and with being a ‘single parent’ and two sons in
school and in karate plus me working a full-time job – I didn't want to take
from my sons time, so I took from mine (believe me I’m not a morning person, so
that was a huge sacrifice on my part). My efforts were well rewarded by losing
40 lbs and going from a size 14 to a size 8 in the first four months. Any
mother knows how pregnancy can warp a woman’s body (especially if she doesn't take such good care of it during those pregnancies – in my case).
I had long dreamed of a Mommy Makeover and
after a year of my workouts, I couldn't get rid of that dang ‘pooch’, so after
much prayer, I asked my wonderful and loving husband if I could have the procedure, to which he said that if I wanted it, I could have it. Now
before any one gets upset, this is NOT what this is about – back story,
remember - I've heard from many people who gave me a speech about how vain and
selfish that was, so this is not up for debate – it simply was the best thing I
could do for myself and since I am a researcher, I researched for over a year
before I started going to consultations.
Did I mention they discovered during the surgery that I had over 4
inches of muscle separation in my abs from my pregnancies – i.e. no matter how much
ab workouts I did those muscles would not go back together, so not having a
droopy hangy belly did wonders for my marital self-esteem….sorry I digress!.
After my surgery (since that pooch of skin was keeping me in
a size 8, I went down to a size 2) so I worked even harder to keep myself in
shape – this was a wonderful gift getting my body back and I was NOT going to
take it for granted!
Now a year later my husband blessed me with being able to
quit work and be a stay at home mom and I admit, I was so excited to be able to
sleep in since I didn't need to wake up early to work out. Unfortunately,
because I was no longer on a schedule I ended up not working out as frequently
or regularly. Seeing that I needed to make some changes again, I started Cross
Fit, which was awesome I now was really in the best in shape I had ever been –
for at least another six months. Again another – but - after buying our new home, I couldn't justify the expense of
Cross Fit when I had my own indoor home gym (no more freezing or burning up in
the garage home gym at the old house), so I quit Cross Fit and tried doing work
outs on my own…unsuccessfully.
Apparently I need accountability, because my weight
fluctuated, and my eating was out of control – I don’t think it was the
Primal/Paleo eating that messed with my mind – makes you extremely aware of
what you are eating and questioning everything you put in your mouth, but I
would go without eating (since Primal said skipping meals and fasting was
appropriate) I would end up starving myself for fear of eating the wrong thing,
only to binge eating the worst foods the next day – so yes I realized recently
that I have a bit of an eating disorder, at least in my thought process and
self-control.
Honestly my biggest eating disorder is really a spiritual disorder
– you see I really did let food become my comforter; I was allowing food to soothe
my pain instead of feeding on the Word of God. Even after reading most of ‘Made
to Crave’ (I have a terrible problem not finishing books) and that is a book I
wished I would have finished! I almost laughed when she said she would cry in a
ball wanting to eat some fattening food, thinking I have never had that problem
BUT now here I am finding myself so consumed with the desire for some chocolate
substance, that during an 8 day migraine, I got up in the middle of the night
and left the house to get chocolate and ice cream. Shaking my head at myself,
thinking what has happened to me!?!
I have been dealing with so much and even though I was able
to give our financial situation to God – I hadn't given Him everything - the
stress of having a husband in a war zone for 9 months out of every year for the
past 5 years, playing Mommy/Daddy, not wanting to burden my husband with anything because of all he has to deal with, starting homeschooling now (even when you know it's the right thing, can still be stressful when you're constantly worried that you're doing the right thing) and then putting on a smile and pretending you're fine and it’s really nothing that I can’t handle, but that's all a big lie because I can’t handle it, I have to admit that to myself and to God – I can’t any handle of it, but He can - I don’t have the strength on my own to do this, but only through Christ can I have the strength.
I stepped on the scale today and got really mad, mad at
myself and what I’ve done to myself. Mad that I let the enemy do this to me. Last week when I was suffering from that
migraine, I had been working out diligently and even eating better for 3 weeks straight
– then that migraine came and you can’t exactly exercise, let alone prepare
healthy meals when you’re that miserable. You see I KNOW that any illness or
pain is from the devil – not God, God is Jehovah-Rapha – the great physician
and Jesus has healed us by His stripes – so whatever sickness or pain that
comes, it’s from the enemy; God wants us healed, Jesus already paid the price
for that healing, we just have to receive it.
I don’t know what the enemy’s total game plan was for me,
I know I missed out on church all week, I know I was weakened spiritually even
though I was praying and believing for healing, but I also know that God’s
timing is perfect and that He can use anything the enemy means for harm, for His
good. And I’m declaring now that I am giving my eating disorder, my
self-control and will power with food and working out over to God, because
there’s no way I can do this on my own, I NEED God to sustain me, I NEED God to
comfort me, and I NEED God to strengthen me because I just can’t do it anymore.
You see I've just realized, I've had to give our finances
over to God, because there’s no way I can make it all work anymore – and when I
did that, miracles started happening, financial blessings started coming in. As
I was just praying after writing this, I was crying and telling God to take
this, I said to God, “I’m having to give you something else in my life” so while
I was feeling like a complete failure for ‘having’ to do this yet again, He
spoke to my spirit and said ‘That’s what you’re supposed to do, you’re supposed
to give it ALL to me, every part of your life, ALL of you’!!! Can I tell you,
at that moment, at that revelation, I felt peace – you know God’s peace, the
peace where you know no matter what, it’s going to be all right.
Sorry for the long winded-ness of this post, each time I
write, if I help even one person, that’s more than enough for me. I usually don’t
get a lot of comments on my blogs, but I’d love to hear from you, especially if
this is something you've been struggling with. And remember there’s a page on
my blog specifically for Scriptures for Encouragement and Strength – I’m
including below the ones I’ll be clinging to especially during this time, thank
you and God Bless ~ dawn
“He gives power to the weak. He increases the strength of
him who has no might” (Isaiah 40:29)
“For God didn't give us a spirit of fear, but of power, love
and self-control” (2 Timothy 1:7)
“But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our
Lord Jesus Christ.” (1 Corinthians 15:57)
“In that day that I called, you answered me. You encouraged
me with strength in my soul.” (Psalm 138:3)
“The Lord hears his people when they call to him for help.
He rescues them from ALL their troubles. The Lord is close to the
brokenhearted, he rescues those whose spirits are crushed. The righteous person
faces many troubles, but the Lord comes to the rescue each time.” (Psalm
34:17-19) {Caps my emphasis}
“So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God.
There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need
it most.” (Hebrews 4:16)
“Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power
at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.”
(Ephesians 3:20)
“Come to me, all you who labor and are heavily burdened, and
I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle
and lowly in heart; and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy,
and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30)
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