I haven't been able to write, not sure it's because I'm avoiding it, or because when I have tried I tend to stare off into space.
I suppose some might have expected Jedi's death to cause me to doubt my GOD or my faith, but it didn't. I was actually able to see GOD's hand in the last few days we had with Jedi, which sealed my faith in believing GOD's ways and thoughts are not ours - they are higher and they are better.
The Friday before Jedi passed away, I had just ran to the vet to get more supplies for Jedi even though that day he started taking a turn for the worst, my faith didn't waiver. That night I was concerned that it might be his last, so I told the boys that they needed to be prepared if Jedi wasn't able to make it through the night. I told them to say their good byes and give him some extra lovings, that if he does pass away, that doesn't mean that GOD didn't answer our prayers or that GOD doesn't heal or that GOD doesn't love us; it only means that Jedi would receive his healing in heaven. After very tearful good byes, I stayed up with Jedi and slept on the floor next to him, when he was having a hard time, I would cry and pray; not that GOD would heal him, but that GOD wouldn't let him suffer and that if now is his time, then to please take him before he has pain.
With very little sleep for either one of us, the sun came up and the boys were so happy to see Jedi alive that morning. My oldest son is 13 and he was asked to help with a Review board test in Karate that day, but because of Jedi's weakening condition and not sure of what was going to happen, he chose to stay home and spend extra time with Jedi. That afternoon, I moved the crib mattress I had Jedi on, from my bedroom to the living room and when I did, he jumped up and went to the back door. I let him out and he proceeded to pee on every tree in the back yard, which made me quite happy (kidney failure as well as Lymphoma was another of his diagnosis on Feb 8th). We all spent the day next to Jedi, extra lovings and pats on the belly as a family.
My husband working overseas, told me that if Jedi got to where he could eat again, he wanted me to grill him a steak - well even though Jedi had stopped eating Thursday and stopped drinking water Friday, he seemed to regain his thirst and hunger. So I grilled him up a yummy steak and served him on our good plates and gave him a bowl of whipped cream for dessert. We even went on a short walk, it seemed we had our puppy back.
Later Saturday, Jedi was a bit more lethargic, but still much better than he had been Friday, so Sunday we stayed home with him and I had my own church service for our boys (and the dogs too!). Sunday night he started acting worse than Saturday so Monday I went to the vets to get him some anti-nausea meds. After, I gave him his meds, my Mom stayed with Jedi while I went to pick up my youngest from school, it's a short walk to and from our house. Once we got home, I went outside to find my Mom with Jedi along the fence line, she said he got up to go potty, then went to the fence and just kind of collapsed, too weak to get up. So I carried him inside and laid him on the mattress. He had been throwing up all day, thus the nausea meds. During kidney failure, I learned that they would stop drinking and keep vomiting, it was so hard to watch this gentle giant of mine become so weak. For two months, I had done whatever he needed, in the beginning he had so many good days, that you wouldn't be able to tell he was sick, I cooked him special meals every day and gave him an IV twice a day to help his kidneys. But on those bad days I would sleep on the couch or floor (whichever was easiest for him), fed him food with a baby spoon and water with a syringe, I basically did what any Mom would do for their sick child, I was willing to fight with all that I had for Jedi; but I was having a hard time seeing if he was willing to fight any longer.
That night I didn't sleep at all, I stayed awake and watched him, praying and crying all night. Asking GOD to please take him, I didn't want him to suffer but I didn't think I could make the choice to end his life. I sent my husband a message and he said he didn't want to be the bad guy, but it really sounded like we needed to let Jedi go. Through broken sobs I agreed, I couldn't stand the thought of him suffering, he'd been such a good boy to our family, always loving and protecting us.
I realized that the process of this weekend had allowed me to get to the point where I could bring him to the vet to be put asleep, that on Friday I saw the selfishness of keeping Jedi alive and maybe by coming to terms with that, GOD allowed us to have one more day of the puppy Jedi and to do all that we wanted to do for him one last time. Telling our boys when I woke them up wasn't easy, my husband was on speaker phone and he was even crying; but my boys saw Jedi trying to get up, but since he wasn't able to stand or move on his own, our brave boys agreed that this was mercy and it was the right thing to do.
We've been blessed by a wonderful Vet and staff who showed genuine care and affection for Jedi, especially when I had to bring him in this last time; when I carried Jedi in (my baby was a muscle bound 65 lb Boxer in his healthy days), when I laid him on their scale it said 42 lbs - that's enough to break a parent's heart. They explained what was going to happen and that the first injection was a sedative that would relax him and he wouldn't feel any pain, the boys and I got to love on him during all this and to say our good byes, I held him while she administered the last injection and I told our boys, that Jedi was in Heaven now, giving Jesus big slobbery kisses and that he'd be running and playing and we would see him again.
I know many people are not dog people or not even pet people. But our family saw our Jedi, as more than a pet, he was part of our family and I was his Mom for 6 and half years. He gave us unconditional love and when I was sad or lonely, he freely gave his love; when I was upset or mad, he still gave me his love and calmed me down. GOD knew the love we had and still have for Jedi, HE might not have answered our prayers the way we wanted them answered, but HE knows best and I know that something else really great will come from this; GOD's timing is perfect, so we will just have to wait and see.